The Dead Lulsla Sketch

SUBMITTED BY: EN Khadgar / Iota 1-2 / ISD Chimaera / Imperial Navy
HOLONET REGISTRATION: <khadgar1@shaw.ca
SUBMITTED ON: 2008.05.16

(Based on the The Dead Parrot Sketch by Monty Python)

 

The sketch features EN Khadgar discussing simulation 6 from the Combat Chamber with a nondescript fictitious Tactical Co-ordination Office representative.

 

Khadgar: I wish to register a complaint!

Representative: I’m, uh, going to bed.

Khadgar: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this simulation that I downloaded not half an hour ago from the Combat Chamber.

Representative: Oh yes, ERS-6, what’s wrong with it?

Khadgar: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It was mostly copied from the original TIE Fighter game, that’s what’s wrong with it! It mentions the Light Calamari Cruiser Lulsla, which was in the original game but not the new mission!

Representative: No, no, it’s, uh, coincidence.

Khadgar: Look, matey, I know a copied mission when I see one and I’m looking at one right now.

Representative: No, no, it’s not copied, it’s just coincidence! Remarkable game, TIE Fighter, isn’t it? Beautiful platform!

Khadgar: The platform don’t enter into it. It’s copied!

Representative: No, no, no! It’s coincidence!

Khadgar: All right, if it’s coincidence, we’ll compare the officer questions from the original Lulsla mission to ERS-6.

(Representative quickly deletes some briefing questions from ERS-6.)

Representative: See? No references to the Lulsla.

Khadgar: That was you deleting the briefing questions!

Representative: I never!

Khadgar: Yes, you did!

Representative: I never, never did anything…

Khadgar (clicking the briefing questions in the original ERS-6 repeatedly): Hello, briefing officer! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! Why are you discussing the Lulsla?

Khadgar: Now that’s what I call a copied mission.

Representative: No, no, the briefing officer’s stunned!

Khadgar: STUNNED!?

Representative: Yeah, you stunned him, just as he was about to give the answer from the new mission. Briefing officers stun easily, Ensign.

 Khadgar: Now look, matey. I’ve definitely had enough of this. This mission is definitely copied, and when I downloaded it not half an hour ago you assured me that I was getting an original GE work. The Lulsla shouldn’t be mentioned!

Representative: Ah, well, the Lulsla’s probably hiding in the mission.

Khadgar: HIDING in the MISSION? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did I not see it when I completed the mission?

Representative: The Lulsla staff prefers hiding! Remarkable game, isn’t it? Beautiful platform!

Khadgar: Look, I took the liberty of examining that mission in TIE Fighter Workshop and I discovered that the only reason it was mentioned was that the briefing questions were exact copies.

Representative: Well of course they were exact copies! If the Lulsla wasn’t mentioned, you wouldn’t know it is in the mission ready to go VOOM!

Khadgar: “VOOM”!? Mate, that cruiser wouldn’t “voom” if you put the whole Rebel Alliance on the job! It’s bleeding demised!

Representative: No, no, it’s hiding!

Khadgar: It’s not hiding! It’s passed on! That cruiser is no more! It has ceased to be! It has expired and gone to the scrap yard! If it hadn’t been mentioned in the mission it would only be in the annals of history! Its system processes are history! It’s out of the fleet! It has kicked the bucket, become debris and gone through space to join the Force invisible! THAT IS AN EX-CALAMARI CRUISER!

Representative: Well, I’d better replace the simulation then.

(Representative takes a look in his personal files.)

Representative: Sorry, ensign, I’ve had a look and I’m, uh, right out of new TIE ERSs.

Khadgar: I see, I see, I get the picture.

Representative: I got a different ERS.

Khadgar: Does it run in TIE FIghter?

Representative: Nnnnot really.

Khadgar: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT!?

Representative: N-no, I guess not.